


Some Pain Goes Deep

by Small_Hobbit



Category: Spooks | MI-5
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-04
Updated: 2019-08-04
Packaged: 2020-05-19 14:31:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,125
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19358914
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Small_Hobbit/pseuds/Small_Hobbit
Summary: It's not easy building a relationship when you're as messed up as Lucas North and Adam Carter, but given time (and an occasional ready meal) it may be possible.





	Some Pain Goes Deep

**Author's Note:**

  * For [hoarmurath](https://archiveofourown.org/users/hoarmurath/gifts).



“What a bloody awful day,” Adam Carter said.  He turned to Lucas North.  “Do you fancy going for a drink?”

All Lucas wanted to do was get back to his flat and chill out.  Even if in reality that meant locking and bolting the door, retreating to his bedroom and curling up in one corner with a bottle of whisky. 

“Not really,” he replied.  He saw the way Adam’s shoulders slumped and felt bad about it.  “I can’t face any more people.  But you’re welcome to come back to mine for a drink if you want.”

“Thank you, that would be good.”

Adam smiled, and Lucas tried desperately to remember what he had they could drink.  There was the whisky, of course, almost a full bottle, plus a bottle of wine which had come as part of an M&S meal deal he’d grabbed earlier in the week when he was totally incapable of making decisions but knew he needed to eat.  Not that his plan had been entirely successful; he’d shoved the main course into the freezer and just eaten the apple crumble dessert (feeds two to three).

They set off together, and Adam automatically turned towards the tube station.

“I’d prefer to take the bus, if you don’t mind,” Lucas said.  “It’s just …”

“That’s fine by me,” Adam replied.

Adam looked tired, and Lucas momentarily reconsidered his request, but he really couldn’t face being stuck on a crowded tube train.  At least on a crowded bus he could look out and catch glimpses of daylight. 

Adam must have seen something of that in Lucas’ face, because he reached out a hand and touched Lucas’ upper arm.  “It’s okay,” he said.  “I don’t mind.  But if there’s a seat free, it’s mine!”

“Of course,” Lucas said. 

Adam had recovered from the explosion, but he had been left with some muscle loss, which still became apparent by the end of the day. 

They caught the bus, and after two stops, a seat became available.  Lucas managed to manoeuvre Adam into the seat.  A couple of other commuters who had also wanted the seat glared at Lucas, but he ignored them.

They reached Lucas’ stop.  As Lucas and Adam got off the bus, Adam’s knee buckled and he lurched forward.  Lucas caught him and held him until he was confident Adam was steady on his feet.

“Are you okay, or do you want an arm?” Lucas asked.

“I’m fine!” Adam snapped.

Lucas led the way to the building where his flat was, and then said, “Give me a few seconds just to get the place tidied up a bit.  I’m on the second floor.”

“Okay. No problem.”

Lucas ran up the stairs and let himself into the flat.  There was nothing to tidy up, so he took a few books off the bookshelf and spread them around to give the impression of having just picked them off the floor.  Adam had been walking with a noticeable limp, and at least this would give him an opportunity to take the stairs slowly without drawing attention to it.

Lucas went into the kitchen and, before taking the wine bottle from the fridge, put the kettle on.  He heard Adam enter the flat and called out, “Grab yourself a seat.  Just push the books off.”

Lucas went back in the living room to find Adam looking closely at the books he had moved.

“You might want to stick these straight back on the shelf,” Adam said, passing them over.  “I appreciate the thought, though.”

Lucas replaced the books on the bookshelves and turned back rather self-consciously.  He found Adam grinning and shaking his head.

Lucas shrugged.  “I can offer you tea, coffee, wine or whisky.  Which would you like?”

“Can I ask for both coffee and wine?”

“Of course, you can.  Do you want anything to eat?  I’ve a meal for two in the freezer.”

“That sounds good.  What is it?”

“To be honest, I haven’t a clue.  I just grabbed something off the shelves the other day.  It is M&S though.”

“I’m sure it will be fine.”  Adam laughed.  “You wouldn’t get far in this job if you were picky about what you ate.”

“No, you wouldn’t.”

“Oh, shit!  I’m sorry, Lucas, I wasn’t thinking.”

“It’s not your fault.  I’m just over-sensitive about some things.”

“Like me and my leg?  Some pain goes deep, and I don’t only mean physical pain.”

“Yeah, well …  I’ll go and put the food in the oven.”

“Can I do anything to help?”

“No thanks.  The kitchen’s tiny; there wouldn’t be room for both of us.”

Lucas took the frozen meal out of the fridge and called out, “It’s fish pie.  Are you still okay with that?”

“Definitely!”

He put the container into the oven.  Then he made the coffee and took it, the bottle of wine and two glasses and placed them on a low table before the sofa.

“Are you okay eating off your knees?” he asked.  “I haven’t got round to getting a dining table.”

“Sure.”

Lucas sat down on the sofa next to Adam.  A few minutes later he felt Adam nudging him.

“What’s the matter?” Lucas mumbled, feeling somewhat groggy.

“I’m not sure how long the dinner needed to cook, but I suspect it’s ready,” Adam said.

“What?  Oh, yes!  I’m sorry!”  Lucas leapt up and rushed into the kitchen.  “It’s okay, it’s brown but not black.”

Adam laughed.

Lucas brought the food through, and Adam poured the wine.  They ate in companionable silence, and then Lucas cleared the plates away, and Adam poured more wine.

Lucas sat back down, and he and Adam began to talk.  Adam asked him about his taste in books, which led to a discussion about films and a friendly argument about various actors.  When Adam mentioned Michael Caine in _The Italian Job_ , both chorused ‘I only told you to blow the bloody doors off.’

They laughed, and then Adam was reaching over to kiss Lucas.  Lucas leaned into the kiss and started to run his hands up Adam’s sides.  The sense of physical proximity to someone who might care for him after eight years took over, and Lucas tried to pull Adam towards him.  Instead, Adam put a hand on his chest and gently pushed him away. 

The sense of rejection hurt so badly, he barely registered Adam saying, “I can’t, not just yet.  I – I need to process it.”

Adam stood up and said, “I’ll call myself a taxi.  Thank you for tonight, Lucas.  It meant a lot to me.”

Lucas let the waves of misery wash over him as he made his way into his bedroom, and failed, once again, to get much sleep.

###

The following morning on the Grid, as soon as Adam came in, Lucas began, “I’m sorry …”

Adam held his hand up.  “I need to explain, but not here.  Come on, let’s go and grab a coffee.”  Turning to Malcolm he said, “We’ll be out for about twenty minutes.”

Malcolm nodded and Lucas followed Adam back out and to a nearby coffee shop.

Once they were seated in a corner table, Adam began, “I’m sorry about last night.”

“It’s okay,” Lucas shrugged.  “I understand.”

Adam shook his head.  “I doubt that you do.  When I said I enjoyed the evening with you, I meant it.  But I also said that some pain goes deep, and for me one of those pains is Fiona’s death.  I can’t get into a relationship with someone else without acknowledging that pain is still there.  I don’t suppose that makes any sense.”

Lucas gave a small smile.  “Yes, it does.  And it was my fault.  Eight years without any loving physical touch, and then suddenly having it before me, and I grabbed it with both hands.”  He laughed.  “In fact, I literally grabbed you, which makes me sound very needy.”

“I understand.  Let me ask you a question.  Would you be happy with a slower approach?”

“Um, yes I think so.”  Lucas knew he didn’t sound totally convinced.

He felt Adam take his hand and squeeze it.  He squeezed back.

“So, I was thinking we could start by simply holding hands,” Adam said, “And then …”

He paused and Lucas continued, “And then progress at a rate we both felt happy with.”  Lucas smiled.  “Yes, that feels a lot safer to me.”

“Good,” Adam replied.  He stood up.  “Well, I suppose we’d better get back in case the apocalypse is happening in our absence.”

###

The next few weeks passed in a mixture of furious activity, patient surveillance, and the occasional triumph for Section D.  Lucas had some good days, and some days when he went home trying not to shake because yet another memory had been triggered. 

One afternoon Ros said, “Lucas, why don’t you go home.  You look washed out and there’s nothing much more can be done until tomorrow morning.”

Lucas hadn’t even had the strength to argue; he was simply grateful to be leaving before the rush hour, which meant he should be able to get a seat on the bus.

Once home, he flung himself on his bed before curling up in a ball.  After a while his phone rang.  Giving it a cursory glance, Lucas saw it was Adam.  He looked at it but didn’t have the energy to put into words how he was feeling.  He then ignored the answerphone message which arrived shortly afterwards.

After about half an hour, Lucas’ phone pinged with a text.  He read it half-heartedly.

<I shall be outside your door in two minutes. A>

Lucas sat up.  He heard a quiet tap on the door and opened it.

Adam came in, gave him a gentle smile and said, “One M&S ready meal, one bottle of wine.  I’ll put the kettle on.”

Lucas sat on the sofa and listened as Adam moved round the kitchen.  A few minutes later he came out carrying two mugs of coffee which he put on the low table before sitting next to Lucas on the sofa.

Lucas drank his coffee.  He still didn’t have the energy to say anything, but Adam didn’t seem bothered.  After a while, Adam got up, served the lasagne and poured the wine.

Towards the end of the meal, Lucas said, “Thank you.”

“That’s all right.  The last few days have been fairly awful; I’m not surprised you’ve been finding it hard.  If you want to talk about anything, feel free to do so, but you don’t have to.”

“I think it might help,” Lucas said slowly.

Adam listened as Lucas talked through the events of the past days, trying to pick up the triggers.  He realised as he spoke that there were still several things which he was not yet ready to talk about, but Adam didn’t push him for details, and by the end he felt calmer and happy to have had the opportunity to share his thoughts.

When he had finished, Adam leaned forward and kissed him before pulling him into a hug.  Lucas hugged Adam back and tentatively slid his hands under Adam’s shirt.  The response was instant, with Adam pushing one hand under Lucas’ t-shirt and into his trousers.  Lucas gave a moan.

“Too soon?” Adam asked.

“Not at all, but my bed would be more comfortable than this sofa.”

They made their way into the bedroom, divesting each other of their clothes as they did so, and soon lay naked on the bed.  They ran their hands all over each other’s body, conscious of being careful when they felt scar tissue.  At one point, Lucas grunted and muttered, “Sorry.  Bruise,” but the pain was quickly masked by the sense of his impending climax.  He could tell Adam was the same, and they came together.

Afterwards, they rolled back on the bed and laughed.  Neither said anything for a few minutes, but then Adam took Lucas’ hand and squeezed it.

“Welcome to the next level,” he said.

Lucas rolled towards Adam and kissed him.  “Thank you.  I’m happy to be here.”  He sat up.  “I’ll get us some cloths.”

He went into the bathroom and returned, throwing a damp flannel to Adam.  “I’ve just thought, there should have been a dessert with your ready meal.”

“Mmm, yes, there was.  I forgot about it.  Something meringuey.”

“Perfect.  I’ll go and get it and we can eat it in bed.”

“Won’t it make a mess?”

“That’s okay.  I think I’ll need to change the sheets anyway.”

“Well, if you’re getting the dessert, you might as well bring the rest of the wine.”

“Will do.  It’s been a bloody awful day, but I can’t think of a better way to end it than with meringue, wine and you!”


End file.
